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Dear Christine, Long Lost Love in Lathrup Village

| October 7, 2018

Dear Christine,

I am 60 years old when I was in high school I can say the woman I dated and with the love of my life her parents caught us she was upset she was scared she married a man and left me and she went through three different husbands. Last month she contacted me on Facebook I don’t even know where she had been living. She called me; we met; she said she’s never gotten over me. Well the truth is I never got over her. Most of my friends knew about her I told him about the one love of my life from high school. But for Gods sake that’s high school, right?. But the truth is, when I saw her it felt like no time had passed at all even though it’s been so many years…all the love all the passion was still there I feel like we wasted so much time.  The only thing is both of us got married to men for a while.  We have children we have grandchildren.  But maybe now is our time. The problem is for the last 10 years I lived with a woman that I’ve basically settled for. She stopped having sex with me halfway through our relationship. I don’t think she loves me but I’ve made a commitment to be with her. But now I’m 60!  I have a chance to have a kind of love that I always hoped for. How can I tell the woman I have living with me now that I have to leave her.? Because I know I have to.

Signed, Long Lost Love in Lathrup Village

 

Dear Long Lost Love,

What a story!  Wow!  Just like the movies.  Except you are in a committed relationship with someone else.  So, you know what you have to do.  You have to talk honestly with your current partner.  That’s not easy or fun to do, but it is essential.  The future is never guaranteed and sometimes we do settle for “next best” when our first choice no longer seems possible.  Your current partner deserves to know what is going on and deserves to hear it from you, directly.

I have married my wife, but I am very aware that divorce happens.  We’ve been together over 2 decades, but I also know that people change, situations change, feelings change.  My vow to her is to love her and be with her as long as it is what is best for her and best for me.  If that changes for either one, I don’t want her to stay with me out of pity, or due to financial need or whatever.  I want her to be happy.  If I can’t be that person in her life, I will leave.  We have an understanding that we will go to couple’s therapy to make sure we are communicating clearly and fairly.  But sometimes, divorce happens.  It sounds like you are in one of those situations.

There’s no telling how this conversation with your partner will go.  Perhaps she will be relieved, as she’s “not that into you” either.  Perhaps she will be hurt or angry or feel betrayed.  She is allowed to have whatever feelings come up.  Give her space to feel, offer couple’s counseling to help the separation to be as civil and friendly as possible.

Good luck to all of you.
Take care,

Christine C Cantrell, PhD

Licensed Psychologist

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Category: Featured Column

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