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Dear Christine, Nervous in Novi

| September 25, 2017

Dear Christine,

Have you ever looked into another woman’s eyes and your heart began to race? Well that’s what it was like for me.

First off I never intended to like girls. I wasn’t raised that way but some things changed down the line. I met this woman. She changed me just staring at me a few times. Like it’s a stare you can’t describe. You just feel your heart race and you sweat a little. So at first I didn’t know how to approach her. But I finally did, through my sister. We began to talk a lot on the phone and I began to get closer and that made me catch the feelings for her that I still have right today. She’s probably the first person I have ever taken seriously. I plan on telling her how I feel hoping she’ll understand. I know there’s not much she can do because she’s married but she can at least learn from her mistakes of leading me on.

There will be those days where she will wink and touch me and smile or even interrupt whoever she’s talking to say hey to me. Then other days she’ll walk right past me then when I show up at her house be all over me. I just don’t get it. I hate myself more and more everyday because of the fact that I can’t have her. I feel like she’s did this to hurt me on purpose. She’s a lot older than me and should know better but still. I can’t even count how many times I have came home crying or upset because of the way she acts. She doesn’t realize but I want to tell her so badly. She knows I have ‘something’ to talk to her about but I bet she doesn’t have a clue what it is. Suicide has been on my mind quite a while lately but I never attempt it. I just take long hot showers and cry it and ask god why. I’ve thought about cutting myself but I really don’t want to cause harm to my body.

What should I do? How do I tell her how I feel? I’m scared she’ll tell other people when she’s the bad person… If I could go back in time, I’d just ignore her staring as I do when other people stare at me. Nervous in Novi

Dear Nervous,

This doesn’t sound fun for you at all! Tell her how you feel and really watch her reaction. Does she take you seriously? Is she just teasing? Denying leading you on? Hopefully the two of you can have a clearer understanding of what is going on, and what the boundaries really are for both of you. It may just be that she’s comfortable flirting, or more, outside her marriage. It may be that she is in a straight marriage, and she, or maybe her husband, don’t see any harm in same sex flings. Who knows? Whatever her reason, accept whatever she tells you, and then decide to take care of you. Don’t harm yourself or cut yourself. That will release some physical pain, which is processed in the same part of the brain as emotional pain, so it may help, but only temporarily. If she’s playing games and not available, or you just don’t play the same games as she does, cut your losses and go find someone who does play the same games as you, and goes by the same rules, and is open and available to you.

It’s not fun to get hurt and to want someone and feel played with, but it is an opportunity for you to learn about yourself. Hopefully, she will learn about herself too, but you have no power over her to make sure that happens. Remember what you experienced with this woman, and make future decisions about flirting, dating, relationships and sex based on what did work and what didn’t work for you in this situation. More experience often brings more pain, but it also can help you steer your life and your relationships to be more of what you really want. Hang in there. It gets better. Really!

Christine Cantrell

 Christine C. Cantrell, PhD
1026 W. 11 Mile Rd,
Suite C
Royal Oak, MI 48067

Click here to email Christine.

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Category: Featured Column

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