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Dear Christine, Outsider in Ortonville

| November 16, 2015

ccc 2Dear Christine, 
I’m new to the LGBT community and about a year ago established myself with a fun group of lesbian friends and it was great.  Then I started dating one of them and I’ll admit, I thought it would lead to forever.  After 2 months, she broke it off and now  I’m out of the group. One person from the group who still talks to me a bit told me that’s the way it is in this community.   Is this what I have to look forward to?   Ugh!
Outsider in Ortonville

Dear Outsider,
I’m sorry that you’ve been dumped not just from your girlfriend, but also from this circle of “friends.” I imagine she’s been a part of this group for a long time, so it isn’t too surprising that her friends welcomed you at first, but they also are following her lead as far as friendship goes. Not all lesbians are like this, but friends usually “side” with the friend they have known the longest and the best. This happens with straight couples all the time. Last week I answered a question about someone wanting to date someone at work. The same dangers apply to a group of friends as to a group of colleagues. There’s a lot of dynamics at play here, and a lot of long term friendships and connections. To date one person when you’re fairly new in a social group and have the relationship end, can cost you that circle of friends. Perhaps once the emotional dust has settled, you will be able to be friends with some in that circle again. Perhaps not.

Go out and keep meeting new people and several new circles of friends. This one group is not all of the metro Detroit LGBT community. Try events listed in GOAL/WOA and at Affirmations, or at the local Metropolitan Community Church in Ferndale. Be open, not bitter. Be at peace with that group’s response to the break up, rather than angry. If they can’t be friends with you after one of their own broke up with you, it’s probably saved you years of grief and drama!

What you have to look forward to is whatever you create in your life. Your attitude and your approach will pave the way for future friendships or tensions. There are a lot of people who are open to meeting new friends all the time. Get out, get involved in something that interests you and go have fun. Meet new friends and remember that living well is the best revenge!
Take care,
Christine Cantrell, PhD Psychologist

Christine Cantrell, PhD, is a fully licensed psychologist in private practice in Royal Oak, MI.

Ask Christine Click Here: christineccantrellphd@gmail.com 248.591.2888

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