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Dear Christine, Serial Dater in Saline

| September 19, 2016

ccc 2Dear Christine,

I am a serial dater. For probably the last 5 years, since a major breakup with a long time love, I have not been able to commit, or be alone for long. I just started dating someone and I’m trying to be more aware of my pattern. I’ve told the new person of my history and that I not only want to go slow, but I’m not ready to even announce to my friends that we are dating.  We have only had 2 dates and yet after telling her I’m not ready to let the world know, she blabs it on Facebook that we are dating!  My friends are like WTF? and I’m furious.  Is this a red flag telling me I can’t trust this woman or was I being unfair as she thinks I am?   

Serial Dater in Saline

Dear Serial,

This is a very new “relationship” of 2 dates, however you are not being heard!  Red flag.  You chose to be honest and vulnerable about your serial dating and she either didn’t understand what you were trying to disclose or she was only focused on her happiness to have found a date.  Still a red flag.

A lot of people hate dating because it can be about game playing, posturing and doing almost anything to not be alone.  Being real, open and trying to create a deeper connection is not part of that game.  So, maybe she’s not the right person to try to be with to change your patterns.

All you can do is what you are doing.  Be very honest with yourself about what you do and what drives you to do that.  Look at where that approach has gotten you.  Are you happy?  Is this how you want your life to be?  If not, then try a new approach.  If you are thinking about seeing someone but taking it slow, be very clear about that from the get-go.  Let that person know you aren’t playing the dating game with all the posing and status-ing on FB and social media.  Be clear that you want this to be a private exploration together.  If she is willing to go with your boundaries for your emotional safety, then talk some more.  It is OK for the other person to want to spread her news far and wide, but it’s also OK for you to let her know that you would be willing to end a dating relationship over that.

I was in my 30s when I decided I’d had enough of the dating game.  It was refreshing to tell a potential date that I was into being direct, honest, and laying my cards on the table for all to see.  That way, if we didn’t have the same goals in mind, we could simply go our own ways and no one was hurt and friends weren’t entangled.

You are on the right track.  Keep it 100 with yourself and others and you might find you prefer your own company alone to the dating game. And you might just create a wonderful relationship with someone who also wants be real.

Christine C. Cantrell, PhD.
 1026 W. 11 Mile Rd,
Suite C
Royal Oak, MI 48067

Click here to email Christine.


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