The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. Byron Katie Q.
Dear Christine, I’ve been dating a man for about eight weeks now and it’s starting to get serious, which is all right with me because I’ve been looking for a long-term relationship. Lately, though, a couple of things have started to bother me. For one thing, I only have his work number, and when I asked him for a home phone he got kind of evasive, muttered something about office voice mail, and changed the subject. And we never go to his place because he says it’s the size of a large closet. Do you think this is an intimacy issue, or does he have a boyfriend? I know that I could be worried about nothing, but it’s happened to me before and I don’t want to go through that heartache again. How do I find out if he’s involved? Looking For Answers in Ann Arbor
Dear Looking, First, your best guide is your self. If you don’t feel comfortable with something someone says or does, pay attention to that! You are the expert on you. If you are getting signals that someone isn’t being totally honest or forthright with you, then trust that. Follow up with some questions to clarify whatever you feel isn’t making complete sense. Sometimes people don’t have a home number any more, but if he does, but isn’t trusting it to you, he may be withholding information rather than outright lying that he’s in a committed relationship. Either way, I find the best way to deal with this is to ask him directly. I find if you ask, most people, asked directly if they are single or married will tell you that, though they may stumble on their answer. Perhaps he has an open relationship, so its ok with him to hook up with you. If you don’t want an open relationship, then you need to make that clear. Set the boundaries that make you feel safe, and communicate them. Getting answers to direct questions will save you heart ache later on.
Christine Cantrell PhD
Fully Licensed Psychologist
Prism of Possibilities Psychotherapy
1026 W. Eleven Mile Road, Suite C
Royal Oak, Michigan 48067