Dear Christine, Messed Up in Michigan

Dear Christine,  Last week I ended up having sex with my best friend, Sam. At least he used to be my best friend — we haven’t talked since. Did I mess up? I definitely don’t want to lose our friendship, but I don’t know how to put the genie back in the bottle. Does that mean we should be boyfriends? Messed Up in Michigan

Dear Messed Up,   Having sex with your best friend definitely can change the friendship, perhaps to the better, perhaps to ending the friendship.  To know which is it, you need to be honest with yourself about what you feel and what you want with Sam.  Once you know what you need, then it is time to talk with Sam.  Does he regret what happened? Is he confused about his feelings since having sex with you?  Does he need some space to figure out what has happened?  Is he ending his friendship with you?  If the genie is out of the bottle for him too, is he avoiding you because he fears you are rejecting him or you are regretting what happened?  Talking honestly about what you each feel, need, want, and don’t want is the only way to find out what comes next.  A relationship takes both of you giving 100% each, and having similar goals, values, respect and trust, and timing… and whatever else each of you needs.  If the genie that’s out of the bottle for you is that you  acted on your true feelings for Sam, then that’s your truth.  Find out if Sam shares that truth or has a different one.  You don’t have to be boyfriends just because you had sex once, but if a friendship or relationship is to continue, there needs to be some honest conversation.  If he regrets having sex with you, and wants to go back to being friends, can you put that genie back in the bottle and adjust your stronger feelings?  If he wants to have no contact with you, then you will have to find a way to accept that.    “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”  Dr. Seuss

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