Dear Christine, Mired in Monroe

Dear Christine,

Am i in the wrong or am i right ? i’ve been with my girlfriend for two years were in love we have our ups and downs just like any relationship she has alot of insecurities and i don’t know if i have them too but one day she was sleeping i always go through her phone to play games and she got a text from her ex girlfriend like what the **** ? so i read it and my girlfriend was saying she loves her and misses her calling her baby and asking to see her and stuff i confronted my girl about it she said she was just using that to get money from her because she was in need i said ok and moved past it but ever since then every time i try to touch her phone she grabs it from me and we start to argue she doesn’t let me in her phone no more is it because she has something to hide ? or just feels disrespected by me going through her phone ? i had a phone i let her go through it anytime i mean i didn’t like it but i just want to her to see i have nothing to hide and to see for herself that i’m not flirting with anybody and stuff like that . My girlfriend always on the phone talks to alot of people and i just always end up finding something not good in her messages i found things that weren’t good 3 times when i go through it and stuff what should i do ? what do this mean ? Mired in Monroe

Dear Mired, I don’t know as relationships are about who is right and who is wrong, but instead, are you getting what you need and want in the relationship, and likewise, is she getting what she needs and wants? For starters, it sounds like she has some needs (money) that she is getting outside the relationship, texting and flirting with her ex. It also sounds like you don’t trust her, but you fear offending her by checking her phone for more texts. Yet, your girlfriend is aware of your suspicions, and continues to text “not good” things in her messages that aren’t to you. What does this mean? It means that you are not happy at all! You are settling for the relationship that she has available, rather than the relationship you need and want. What keeps you with her, when you have so little trust in her? What keeps you going back for more hurt, checking her phone and continuously having your suspicions confirmed? A couple of basics in healthy relationships are trust and honesty. What do you have without those? Attraction? Chemistry? Hot sex? Maybe, but you definitely don’t have communication helping you to resolve those trust and respect issues. If you have asked her to change her behavior (not flirting with others via phone, and not flirting for money) and she has ignored your request, that’s a big sign of conflict. Perhaps it’s conflict of values, needs or preferences, but whatever it comes from, it makes a relationship very difficult for the two of you. Think about what you really need and must have to make a relationship loving and emotionally safe for you. Do those things exist in this relationship? If not, what are your choices to create the sort of relationship that you need, rather than putting up with partner who is intentionally and repeatedly hurtful? You deserve the relationship you really want and need, nothing less. Take care of yourself.

Let me know how it goes for you,

Christine C. Cantrell, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Prism of Possibilities Psychotherapy
3926 Royal Avenue, #A
Berkley, Michigan 48072
248-591-2888

www.christinecantrell.com
christineccantrellphd@gma2il.com
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